


What happened to Dirk's My Little Pony Bishoujo Rainbow Dash figure?

by Deiohx



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alpha kids - Freeform, Betaed, Comedy, Crack Fanfic, Established Relationship, Fluff, Guilt, Hijinks & Shenanigans, How Do I Tag, I Usually Write Angst, Jane is a Karen, M/M, Manga & Anime, My Little Pony References, Roxy Is a Good Bro, Weeb Dirk, but i needed to write some crack instead, except dirk. he can have some, i was worried they might seem toxic but my friend said they were fine, lying, rainbow dash anime figure, the alpha kids don't have any braincells, weeb store
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:41:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27841663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deiohx/pseuds/Deiohx
Summary: It was an accident.It was honest to god an accident that none of them intended. But now it was done and none of them could change what had happened.but now, Dirk's Rainbow Dash bishoujo figure laid broken on the living room floor and they had less than an hour to fix it....or, Jane, Roxy and Jake fuck up beyond belief while hanging out
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider
Comments: 3
Kudos: 20





	What happened to Dirk's My Little Pony Bishoujo Rainbow Dash figure?

It was an accident. 

It was honest to god an accident that none of them intended. But now it was done and none of them could change what had happened. 

In the first few seconds they had all mentally traced the steps that had led to this. 

Jake had invited Roxy and Jane home to his and Dirk’s apartment to hang out. Jane had offered to make them lunch, while Roxy and Jake had laughed and thrown one of Jake’s old hacky sacks back and forth while waiting. 

Jane had made a comment about Jake’s throwing being off, which had only made Jake try to throw the hacky sack harder. Roxy hadn’t seen it coming, being distracted by Jane’s comment and when she looked back to Jake, the hacky sack almost hit her in the face. 

But on reflex, Roxy hit it away, towards Jane, who screamed and hit the hacky sack with the spoon in her hand like a bat. They all watched in horror as the hacky sack flew through the room, over on the shelf over the couch, hitting the rainbow dash anime figure. And almost as if in slow motion, had they watched the figure fall down and hit the couch, only to bounce up and down onto the floor. 

Breaking the figure’s legs from its body. 

Not one of them had moved a muscle yet, worried they would somehow make it worse. The figurine laid on the floor, two big pieces laying not far from each other, but it might as well have been miles apart. 

“Oh fuck.” Was the first words muttered. It was Roxy who said it. The blonde moved her hands up to hold her face.   
“Oh shit! Fuck! What do we do?!” She panicked and looked at Jake. 

Jake panicked.   
“I don’t bloody know! Oh gee golly what did we do!” He panicked.   
“Dirk is gonna kill us!” Jane put her spoon down and went to pick up the two pieces of the figure.   
“Oh dear fuck in heaven, we’re so screwed.” she deadpanned as she looked over the broken edges. 

Jake pulled on his hair, “Dirk just brought that thing. He’s gonna kill all of us, and then I’ll have to sleep on the couch, oh good god.” he said. 

“He can’t kill us if we’re already dead.” Roxy raised her hand in the air. “I call suicide pact!”  
They had all seen Dirk pissed before, but a furious Dirk was not something they would like to see in their lifetime. Dave had told them about the time Dirk had to be picked up from the police station after he got in a fight with a homophobe at pride. The other guy had to be picked up at the hospital. 

So all three of them knew that a furious Dirk was not something to mess with. 

They knew Dirk would never hurt them physically. They weren’t strangers that said the wrong thing and disrespected him. But they were still scared of what Dirk might do if he found out. No doubt he would yell at them. 

Roxy and Jake kept panicking, working each other up. Jane then placed her hands up.  
“Okay! Okay, okay, okay.” She tried to get the two of them to calm down, but she was panicking just as much as them. When Jake and Roxy finally shut up, Jane took a deep breath to collect herself.  
“We can fix this.”

“How?!” Jake exclaimed “Dirk loves that figure, he wouldn’t shut up about it when it first got on sale.” Roxy lit up “We could glue it together!” She said it like it was the answer to the meaning of life. 

Jane shook her head dismissively “No, Dirk will notice it eventually, we can’t risk it.” Jane thought, a finger on her chin “But what if we glue it together, place it on the edge and then hope it falls down while Dirk is home? It removes all suspicion from us!”

Jake frowned and crossed his arms.   
“What, no that’s not okay. Dirk is gonna be heartbroken if we do that.” Roxy nodded in agreement “We can’t do that. We’re not that awful friends.”

Jane rolled her eyes “Well, it’s that or feel Dirk’s wrath upon us.” Jake and Roxy didn’t look too happy about that either, but they still disagreed. 

“What if we buy a new one?” Roxy asked, looking at the pieces in Jane’s hands. Jake frowned “That thing cost over 160 dollars.”

“160 dollars?!” Jane and Roxy yelled in distress. “Where the hell does Dirk get cash like that?!” Roxy asked “I don't even spend that much on my car.” 

Jake shrugged “He does a lot of commission robot stuff in his free time.” That was the only explanation they got from him. 

Jane sighed “Okay well, there’s three of us, we can all chip in.” she said and placed the broken figure on the kitchen counter. 

“Yeah, but where are we gonna get it? We can’t just order it online?” Roxy asked. Jake lit up “There’s a weeb store across town. Dirk brought it there, maybe they have more?” Jake said and pulled out his phone to look up the store. It didn’t take more than a few clicks for Jake to find it. 

“It’s still open.” he looked up at the girls, wanting to know what they think about the idea. Jane nodded softly “When does Dirk get home from work?” She asked.

“Around four. Five, if he buys groceries like he said he would.” Jake said. It was a bit past three right now. They would have to be fast. 

Jane nodded, hitting her fist down in her palm “Alright. Here’s the plan.” she looked to Roxy “Roxy and I will get the figure.” she then looked to Jake “You stay here in case Dirk gets home early”.

Roxy smiled, already going to put on her coat and shoes. Jane followed her. Jake typed on his phone.   
“I’ll send you the address to the store, and clean up the mess.” he promised. 

“Thank you Jakey!” Roxy said before the girls disappeared behind the door. 

Jane opened her phone as she heard the ping of Jake’s text. The store was called ‘Kira anime’, and it was only 30 minutes away. If they were lucky they’d be back before Dirk even made it home. 

………..

They were only a few minutes away from the store, Jane behind the wheel and cursing at the red lights. They both jumped as the tune to bubblegum bitch started playing loudly in the car. Roxy patted through her jacket and pulled out the singing phone.

Jane sighed, a hand on her chest as she said “Jesus, why is it so loud?”

Roxy didn’t answer her in favor of answering the phone. She held it up to her ear.   
“Hellu?” She asked. 

“Dirk just pulled up outside the building. What do I do?” Came Jake’s panicked voice from the phone. On his end of the line, Jake was looking out of the window in the living room, watching as Dirk got out of his car. He would be up here in less than five minutes, and Jake had no idea what to do. 

“Just distract him.” Jane said, having heard Jake’s panic without the phone even being on speaker. Roxy pressed the speaker button and held the phone away from her ear. 

“Yeah but how?!” Jake asked frantically, seeing Dirk lock the car, the head lights lighting up for a moment. 

“How should we know? He’s your boyfriend.” Roxy said “Put the moves on him or something. We’re almost at the store. You can go an hour or something, right?” She asked. 

Jake blushed madly “I am not seducing him to hide our crime!” He then yelled into the phone. When Dirk disappeared from sight, he turned to look at the front door, waiting for Dirk to walk in and instantly know what they had done. 

“Well, then I got nothing,” Roxy said. Jane groaned “You’re his boyfriend, Jake. You should know how to distract him better than anyone. It’s just like lying.”  
If Jake had been in the car, Roxy didn’t doubt he’d looked just as deadpan att Jane, as Roxy did in that moment. 

“Jegus, you need a healthy relationship.” she mumbled before turning back to the phone.  
“Maybe ask him to take a walk or a shower, I don’t know.”

Jake looked around the apartment and bit his lip, hoping he’d magically get a solution or a miracle to help him. “We’re almost at the store, so just hang in there.” Roxy said “Bye.”

“Wait, you haven’t gotten it yet?” Jake asked but Roxy hung up before he was even done asking. He just looked at the screen.   
“Oh sweet saddle goose.” he cursed as he heard Dirk stop outside their door. Jake pocketed his phone and went to stand in the doorway to the living room, trying to at least block the view. 

He just had to keep Dirk from entering the living room for an hour, that couldn’t be that hard, right?. 

The door knob turned and Dirk walked in, already working on taking his jacket off as he called.   
“Jake, I’m home!”

“Right here, love.” Jake said, leaning his elbow against the doorway and placing his head in his hand. Trying too hard to act casual. 

Dirk looked over at him as he got one arm free, kicking one of his shoes off. He looked confused for a moment, but Jake knew it was most likely the nicknames doing. It wasn’t unheard of Jake calling Dirk pet names, but it wasn’t often enough either. 

Dirk just smiled as he hung his coat up.   
“So, how was your day?” Dirk could tell Jake looked nervous, but he had no idea why. Jake just smiled even wider, a bit too much to make it look comfortable.   
“It was swell, nothing happened. Just a perfectly normal day.” he said. 

Dirk frowned.   
“You sure? You seem.. Tense?” Dirk said, taking a step closer to Jake. Jake then went forward, stumbling a bit and pinning Dirk to the wall. Dirk’s shades slid down on his nose, blinking up at Jake. 

“Everythings cool,” Jake blushed. He could tell Dirk didn’t completely buy it. Jake took a deep breath. Come on English! Get it together!

Jake smiled. “I just really missed you.” Dirk chuckled, a hand coming up to rest on the back of Jake’s hair, his fingers playing with the short black locks.   
“Really?” he questioned. “I was just at work.” 

Jake took this chance to change the subject. He grinned and leaned in closer, his forearm coming up to rest on the wall next to Dirk's head “I always miss you.” Dirk rolled his eyes, but leaned in and kissed Jake. 

Jake could feel his heart rate slowing down as he kissed Dirk, all his nerves slowly disappearing. He could feel their glasses bumping against each other, smell the cologne on Dirk’s shirt. It was enough to drown out his worries for a short while. 

Dirk pulled back and smiled. “As much as I want to keep doing this.” he pushed Jake back a bit, his hand gentle on the raven haired man’s chest “I have groceries to buy.” 

Dirk turned to walk to the bedroom, Jake looked after him “Why didn’t you pick them up on the way home?” he asked with a tilt of his head. “I forgot my wallet this morning.” came Dirk’s voice from the bedroom. Jake took a quick glance at his phone to check for any updates on the figure.

Dirk appeared in the door, wallet in hand “Wanna come with me?” he asked. Jake looked back up at him and nodded “Sure, I’ll just grab my jacket.” he said, typing a text to Roxy as he talked. 

…………..

Jane parked the car outside a small store next to an alleyway. A red and white sign with a cat waving to them hanging over the door. Roxy took off her seat belt and got out of the car, Jane following soon after. 

the bell over the door rang as they entered. One of the walls was covered in shelves of funko pop figures, further down was rows of manga and comic books. Roxy stared up at a tv screen that was playing a music video of some girls dancing really fast to a song she didn’t understand. Jane walked up to what seemed to be the front desk. 

“Excuse me?” she said and rang the bell on the table. Behind Jane, Roxy gasped, drawing the dark haired girl’s attention back to her. Roxy pointed behind the glass monstrum, where a lot of different anime girl figures were displayed, including the one figure they were looking for.   
“They got the figure Janey.” Roxy bounced. 

A guy walked out from a curtain to what seemed to be the personale room.   
“Hello. How can I help you today?” he asked. Jane smiled and pointed to the figure Roxy had found. “We’d like to buy the rainbow haired anime girl figure with the pony, please.” 

The guy smiled. “I’ll go check if we have any more in stock.” he said, since he noticed there were no boxes of the figure on the shelves. Jane nodded and turned to Roxy as the guy disappeared behind the curtain. 

Roxy checked her phone and smiled.   
“Jake texted. Dirk and he are gonna buy groceries.” she grinned to Jane “We might actually get this to work.”

Jane nodded and looked over the figure they were waiting for the guy to return with. It was about 8 inches tall, standing on one leg with a blue winged pony next to it. It was wearing shorts, a tank top with a cloud and a rainbow on it, a blue hoodie and goggles on top of the rainbow colored hair. 

“Why do you think Dirk likes these? They don’t do anything.” Jane asked and looked at Roxy. The blonde leaned forward a bit as she looked at the figure over.   
“Hmm, it's kinda cute, not gonna lie.” she smiled. 

Jane’s eyebrows were still burrowed “You don’t think Dirk wants to.. Bang it?” she asked. Roxy threw her head back and laughed “Ha! good one Janey. Dirk is as gay as they get.” Roxy said, her hands planted on her hips. 

The worker reappeared at the desk behind them. “Uhm, I'm sorry, but we’re out of stock.” the guy said “But we can order one home for you and it should be here in a few days,” he offered, already typing into the computer for a shipment. Roxy smiled. “Nah, it’s fine. We’ll just take this one.” she said and pointed at the figure on display. 

“Uhm.. But that doesn’t have a box?” the guy said. Roxy shrugged and chuckled. “We don’t really care about the box. We just want the figure.” The guy blinked.   
“But the box?”

Roxy kept smiling. “A plastic bag is fine. We’re not picky.” she folded her hands, bouncing a bit on her heels. The guy looked between them.  
“But you’ll lose the product quality if-” Jane sighed, cutting the guy off before she said. 

“Look dude, if we don’t have that doll on a certain shelf in under 30 minutes, heads will roll.” she leaned in closer. “And if i’m going down, you’re going down with me.” The guy got a bit pale, but luckily Roxy pushed her back “Jane, be nice. The poor guy is just doing his job.” she said. She pulled out her wallet “Sorry about her. She’s a bit stressed.” she smiled politely.  
“Can you please get the doll out for us?” 

The guy reached for a bunch of keys and mumbled an agreement as he walked to the other side of the front desk. He found a small key and unlocked the display case.

…………….. 

Roxy and Jane made it back to Dirk and Jake's apartment in 25 minutes. They grinned as they saw Dirk’s car wasn’t parked out front, meaning Jake and Dirk were still out. They ran up the stairs to their floor. 

Jane held a blue plastic bag, with the figure inside it. She was careful not to drop it as Roxy pulled out her keys. “I still don’t get why you have a key and I don’t.” Jane pouted, looking at the pink glittery keychain dangle from Roxy’s keys. 

“What can I say, I'm Dirk's favorite.” Roxy smiled with triumph.

“Whatever.” Jane rolled her eyes. Roxy got the door unlocked and they sneaked inside the apartment. Roxy rushed into the living room to take the broken figure. Jane pulled the new one out of the plastic bag. None of them knew who was making their way up to the apartment. 

Jake laughed as walked up the stairs, a shopping bag in each hand. Dirk had told him about one of the older coworkers he had, and how he had to explain to her what a WAP was, after she had said “Dirk, you’re such a wap.” One of her kids must have tricked her into thinking it meant ‘What a polite man’.

“Golly gee, what I wouldn’t give to see your face being called that.” Jake chuckled, slowly coming down from his laughing fit. Dirk had one grocery bag in hand as he fished for his keys in his pocket.   
“If you think that’s funny, you should have seen her face when she realised what she called me.” 

Jake started laughing again, Dirk turning to unlock the door. He frowned slightly as he turned the key. He then turned the door knob and the door opened.   
“Jake, did you lock the door before we left?” he asked. Dirk was sure he had done it, but now got a bit worried. 

“Uhh, no, I thought you did.” Jake said. Dirk nodded and then opened the door fully.   
“Oh okay” Dirk stepped inside, Jake following him. They placed the bags down by the wall to take off their jackets and shoes. 

Dirk then frowned as he thought he heard whispering inside the apartment.   
“I was thinking we could make stew on wednesday? Since we’re both working late Friday.” Jake started but Dirk hushed him. Jake blinked, but remained quiet. 

Then they both heard another whisper. 

Dirk looked over to the door into the living room, gripping Jake’s shirt tight.   
“Jake. Don’t freak out, but I don’t think we’re alone.” Dirk whispered, his other hand reaching for the pink umbrella by the door. 

Jake looked at Dirk. “What?” For a moment he felt scared, until he remembered Roxy and Jane. By the time he remembered them, Dirk was already by the living room door, umbrella raised over his shoulder. 

“No wait,” Jake said too late. Dirk opened the door. Roxy was standing on the couch, Jane holding a plastic bag with something Dirk couldn’t see inside. They both screamed as Dirk entered the room. Dirk frowned, but not even five seconds after he opened the door, he was tackled to the floor by Jake, his shades falling off his face in the struggle. 

“Jake! What the fuck!” Dirk yelled as Jake covered his eyes, holding Dirk down with his own body weight. Dirk turned his head to try and get free and see what was going on, but Jake wasn’t moving. 

Jake looked panicked at Roxy and Jane.  
“Hide the evidence!” Dirk could hear the shuffling of feet on the floor, a bag being ripped through and a window being opened. He kept struggling and twisting to get Jake's hands off his face and off him. 

He reached up behind him and grabbed Jake’s ear, knowing that would be enough to get his boyfriend off him. Hard, but not painfully, Dirk dragged Jake's ear, and head, down to the floor. “Let go of me.” Dirk ordered

“Ow, ow, ow!” Jake said and then finally let go of Dirk’s head in preference to hold his ear. He should have known better than tackling a Strider. 

When Dirk could finally see again, he saw that his apartment looked almost intact. A window stood open, Roxy and Jane stood by the couch. The plastic bag was gone. 

Dirk pushed himself off the floor and went over to the open window, the pink umbrella still in hand. He poked his head out the window and looked down at the street below them. The plastic bag laying on the ground next to a trash can. Dirk squinted, but he couldn’t make out the content of the bag. 

Jane pulled on Roxy's arm, a clear sign to tell her they should get out while they had the chance. But they didn’t get more than two feet, before Dirk pointed the pink umbrella at them.   
“Stay.” He ordered. 

He looked back at the others in the room, a determined look in his eyes. He looked over every surface in the living room and his friends up and down. He looked at the tv, it wasn’t broken. The pictures all hang like they did that morning. The coffee table was in one piece. 

Dirk then looked at his sword on the wall over the tv. He took it off the wall and pulled the sword out of its holster. That too was still intact. He looked over at his friends, Jake standing next to the girls. All three of them looked like guilty 10 year olds. 

Dirk slid the sword back into the holster and hung it back on the wall. He put the pink umbrella down on the coffee table, grabbing his shades off the floor and placing them back on his face. He crossed his arms as he stared them down.

“Okay. What did you do?”

All three of them froze, none of them dared look at him.   
“Don’t know what ya talking about, D.” Roxy said, her fingers nervously playing with one of her many rings. 

Jake suddenly found their houseplant much more interesting. Jane fiddled with the edge of her skirt. 

Dirk raised an eyebrow “Oh really?” Roxy just nodded, her lips glued together in a straight line. Dirk looked around the apartment and noticed as all of them seemed to freeze up again. 

“I don’t like being lied to. You guys know that.” Dirk said, not angry, but not completely thrilled either. “Keeping information from you, Isn’t exactly lying..” Jane mumbled without looking up at him. 

Dirk's mouth smiled a bit as he looked Jane over.  
“So you did do something.” Jake and Roxy glared at Jane, who looked away, her lips pretended to whistle. 

“Look,” Dirk sighed “I'm not gonna be mad, I just wanna know before I find out on my own. I’m giving you a chance to come clean.” he said. 

He looked over all their faces, every single one looking more guilty than the last. But they all seemed to remain firm in keeping quiet. He would probably never have known, if it weren’t for the quick glance Jake took at the shelf over the couch. 

Dirk turned his head and saw his rainbow dash anime girl figurine stand on the shelf, turned a bit wrong. 

“What happened to my Rainbow Dash figure?” He asked, looking Jake right in the eye. 

Dirk loved his boyfriend, but Jake was a terrible liar, Roxy too, but right now Jake was the one close to breaking. The nervous shaking of his hands, and the sweat slowly forming on Jake's forehead were clear signs that Jake was lying.

Jake couldn’t look him in the eyes, he never wanted to lie to Dirk’s face, but he didn’t want to tell him the truth either. “Nothing. I didn’t even know that was there.”   
Dirk frowned “Jake.”

“Honestly, is it new? I never noticed it.”

“Jake.”

“It’s really pretty, I bet it’s expensive.”

“Jake. Look me in the eyes and tell me this isn’t about my Rainbow Dash anime girl figure.” Dirk said, his shades tilted down, orange eyes looking right into Jake’s soul as the raven haired man finally looked at him. 

Jake lasted five more seconds before he completely broke.   
“Okay! I can’t take it anymore. We broke your pony figure!” He yelled, covering his face in shame. 

“Jake!” Jane looked horrified at him, but Roxy then cracked as well. 

“It was an accident! We promise!” She said “We were hanging out and Jane was making lunch!”. 

Jake nodded and said “Yeah, and then I said ‘yo Roxy, wanna play some hacky?’ And she was like ‘yeah!’. So we started throwing it around.” Roxy then pointed at Jane.   
“And then Jane was like ’Jake, you're throwing suck’, and Jake was like ‘no, watch this’.”

The two of them kept going back and forth explaining what happened as Dirk watched them. They spilled every detail, about how the figure fell, about Roxy and Jane going out to find a new one, about how Jake felt bad for distracting him. 

“We’re so sorry!” Roxy said and covered her face. They all mentally prepared themselves for Dirk to lecture them, maybe even yell at them. So when they heard the soft laugh, they all got confused. 

Dirk smiled as he laughed softly. For a second they were worried he’d gotten so angry he’d gone mad. Completely lost his marbles. 

“Uhm… Dirk?” Jake asked “What’s so funny?”

Dirk smiled “You guys didn’t break my figure.” The way they all blinked confused at him, almost made him laugh even more. 

“The figure was already broken.” he said, placing his hands on his hips.   
“When I first got the figure, I accidentally placed it too close to the edge of the table, and I knocked it over.” he explained “I glued it together since it was just in two pieces and put it on the shelf.” 

Jane looked from Dirk to Jake and Roxy before looking back at Dirk.  
“So.. You’re not mad?”   
Dirk smiled and shrugged “What’s there to be mad about?”

Jane pouted “So we stressed and got a new figure all for nothing?” She asked. Dirk smiled as he picked up the new figure from the shelf.   
“No? I think it shows how sweet you guys are.” he smiled as he turned back to them. He ran a thumb over the legs of the figure. He looked back up to them “We’ll just call it an early birthday gift.” he said and placed it back up onto the shelf. 

Roxy smiled and relaxed “Fine by me.” Jake placed a hand over his heart.   
“Oh thank God you're not mad.” he chuckled “My heart was going a hundred miles per minute.” Jane nodded “Yeah, same here.” she chuckled and placed her hands on her hips.

“But next time you break something,” Dirk said, getting their attention back, “Just tell me, okay?” he crossed his arms.  
“I don’t like being lied to.”

Roxy smiled and nodded “Will do, D. Stri.” Jake nodded, a nervous smile still lingering on his face.  
“Yeah, but I’m not promising anything. You’re really scary when you get mad.” 

Dirk grabbed his ear again, but holding it hard and firm, more as a warning to Jake.   
“Trust me. I can get scarier than you can ever imagine.” He then let go of him and kissed Jake’s cheek, “Don’t ever lie to me.”

He looked at Roxy and Jane. “I’ll buy pizza, wanna stay for dinner?” Roxy grinned widely.   
“Hell yeah!” she said, already running to the kitchen to get the pizza menu, Dirk following after her.


End file.
